Crazy Bible Verses: What are God's Views on Hair?


What does the Bible say about male pattern baldness?


In 2 Kings 2:23-25 the Lord God proves himself to be a merciless killing machine. But, instead of striking his foe down with lightning or, possibly, a giant foot crushing down from above somehow, he gets two bears to do the murdering for him.

The victims of this wrath to be torn apart and eaten are, of course, dastardly miscreants so vile that a forgiving God would take such measures: They are 42 kids.

A prophet named Elisha was out for a walk, probably prophesying on behalf of the Lord. Going through Bethel the little kids of the town ran out and mocked him something terrible. You know how cruel kids can be? And the language! They no doubt spoke like New York City construction workers with severe cases of Tourette's.

At the risk of some overly prudish person flagging this blog post, I'm going to repeat what they said.

But first here's a disclaimer...


What they said was (whispering): "Go up, thou bald head; Go up, thou bald head."

Elisha, being a man of God, did not take this in good stride. Instead he cursed them in the name of the Lord who then sent forth the carnivorous grizzly wrath.

After being eaten by the bears there is little doubt that these children will spend eternity in hell where they will agonizingly pay for their sins.

Amen.

And let this serve as a lesson to you: The Lord God does not appreciate jokes about male pattern baldness. So take that Jason Alexander...


Oh, wait: Jason Alexander is bald, himself. Anyway, as I was saying: Clearly from scripture we can see that Mr. Alexander, Patrick Stewart, and the Bald Eagle are smiled down upon by the Lord.

But now I suddenly remember the story of Samson from Sunday school.


If God killed to defend a prophet's right to be a chrome dome, what of Samson? It's a mixed message from the Lord!

Samson, a murderous killing machine in his own right (at one point slaughtering 1000 enemy soldiers with only the jawbone of a donkey), had his great vigor come somehow magically from his locks. Why would God be on the side of a baldy like Elisha and then put so much weight in Samson's full head of hair?

Samson fell in love with a woman named Delilah. The Philistines bribed her to find the secret of his great strength. He eventually relented and told her that it, 'was all about the hair, baby.'

While he slept she had it cut off.

God fled as if to say, 'I'm not spending no more time on this hairless freak. No more special powers for you!'

Now his enemies blinded him and put him to work grinding grain. This was a man who had at one point attached torches to the tails of 300 foxes to burn the crops of his foes, and now he was reduced to being a sightless slave labourer.

This has a happy ending, however...

People were apparently really stupid in Biblical times. Quickly forgetting that Samson was all about hair power, his captors let it grow back. Making an appearance at a temple so that his captors could further laugh at him, he pushed down the central pillars killing himself and everyone inside. Infact, the Bible boasts that, '...he killed many more as he died than while living' (Judges 16:30).

So why this hypocracy from the Lord? Why does he not want anything to do with a bald Samson after having defended a prophet with less hair than a billiard ball? The answer is that, when you read the Bible, it all evens out. It's like God's saying, "I got way too drunk last Saturday night and had 42 kids killed. Maybe I shouldn't have done that. I'll just give that good-looking guy from the Sorek Valley Superman-like strength" Then later: "He did what to that lion and all of those army guys? Oh, I liked that lion and some of those army guys. Alright, if he cuts off his hair he loses his strength..."

It all balances out.

Amen.

Crazy Bible versus cited...

Kids getting killed by bears...

2 Kings 2:23-24: And he went up from thence unto Bethel: and as he was going up by the way, there came forth little children out of the city, and mocked him, and said unto him, Go up, thou bald head; go up, thou bald head.

And he turned back, and looked on them, and cursed them in the name of the LORD. And there came forth two she bears out of the wood, and tare forty and two children of them.

Samson killing 1000 soldiers with the jaw of a donkey...

Judges 15:15: And he found a fresh jawbone of a donkey, and put out his hand and took it, and with it he struck 1,000 men.

With his hair gone God flees Samson...

Judges 16: 19-20: And she made him sleep upon her knees; and she called for a man, and she caused him to shave off the seven locks of his head; and she began to afflict him, and his strength went from him.

And she said, The Philistines be upon thee, Samson. And he awoke out of his sleep, and said, I will go out as at other times before, and shake myself. And he wist not that the LORD was departed from him.

Samson commits animal cruelty to destroy his enemies crops...

Judges 15:4-5: So he went out and caught three hundred foxes and tied them tail to tail in pairs. He then fastened a torch to every pair of tails, lit the torches and let the foxes loose in the standing grain of the Philistines. He burned up the shocks and standing grain, together with the vineyards and olive groves.

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